cryxyourxname's Journal

Stress
I swear my life actually couldn't get anymore stressful, which is why I'm on here at past midnight, and why I still have 1000 words to write for my project thats due in tomorrow, currently unable to either write more or sleep. So I figure venting might help with at least one of them, honestly I doubt anyone even actually reads this, and if you do (since its my first post) you know little to nothing about me or my life. So I guess with that in mind its probably best to start at the very beginning. Its my second year at uni, for the most part its been a good year, some highs some lows, but lately the lows are getting more frequent and the highs few and far between. Last year was easy, and it was a lot of fun. This year, this year has been harder, the work has been harder it matters more, but life itself has been harder. I moved in with a great group of girls that I lived with in first year, and I was looking forward to living in a house, we had a few reservations about one girl and her ability to pay the rent but we hoped she'd get herself together. I didn't move into the house for the first semester, I was still paying rent, but I was elsewhere, a very good elsewhere, but I was informed the house was having problems, problems with one girl in particular, I bet we can all guess which one that was. By the time I moved back in at christmas the house was pretty much falling apart, and the girl was spending almost all her time alone in her room. She was one of my best friends in the first year so I took it upon myself to try and fix things. We had a lot of fun, but fun that didn't tend to involve her being sociable with anyone else. More and more I noticed, and others pointed out, that I was being treated more like a pet than a friend, a toy maybe. To be played with when it suited her and on her terms. She was barely going into uni, retaking her first year again anyway, and she didn't seem to understand that I wanted to pass my degree. I have a very short attention span and its not helped by other people distracting me. I started to distance myself somewhat, and she was doing her best to distance herself from everyone else. It should be mentioned that she had been stealing food from everyone, some of it proved, some of it just assumed, but none of it that she would take responsibility for. It was something she liked to sit on her high and mighty horse, looking down on those below, passing judgements on them that she would never allow to be made about herself. Other things went missing, and trips into her room would always under cover various items belonging to other people, again nothing she would admit to. It was becoming harder to be her friend. It was decided that it was no longer possible to live with her and arrangements were made for her to move out at the end of the year, this just distanced her further. She'd go out almost every night and you could pretty much guarentee that at 2 or 3 am she come back with someone in tow, usually a bouncer. It got pretty scary, one of the men she'd brought back before turned up at the house at 3am banging on the door and demanding to be let in, he'd brought a friend back and while the girl was talking to him his friend went into everyone's room while we were supposedly sleeping. Nothing happened but it really made us think about what could have. Then we discovered her new "career", she was behind with rent and owed a lot of money to the university. It was a quick and easy way to make money. I'll admit we found this out by snooping in her room, its wrong to go through someone's things but sometimes you just really need to know whats going on with your friend, or who at least used to be your friend. I can honestly say that if we'd still been friends I wouldn't have had a major problem with it. Its not something you ever want to think your friend had to turn to but I would have listened and tried to help her, if only she'd talked to us about it. But even when I confronted her she lied, granted she had to admit to some of it but she lied about the majority. She's a good liar, and I couldn't call her on it and admit that I'd been snooping so I left it. Knowing she could lie that easily and convincingly it changed a lot of my view of her. After a few more of my things went missing I just stopped talking to her, normally after a day or two I'd crack and beg her forgiveness but she just made it so easy. I stopped talking to her so she stopped talking to me right back, not a word, not a question about why, just silence. She regressed more and pretty much stopped coming out of her room altogether unless to actually leave the house. I should mention at this point that I'd lent her my old phone, in the grand scheme of things it seems pretty unimportant, but it leads to other things so it needs mentioning. It was supposed to have been a short term arrangement three months before while she saved up for a new one, but as with many things she said it never happened. When I stopped talking to her I wanted it back, the week before I finally got it back from her she admitted to my friend that she'd broken it. I actually had to speak to her to get it back, I managed to be civil and she handed it back with a thank you, no mention of it being broken though. A week or so later, when we'd left for Easter break I got up the courage to send her an fairly abusive text about her having broken my phone, her response was snotty, and mine back not much better. A week later she sent me a long apology, I almost slipped back into the net but part of me realised it had gone far too far for us to be friends again. Whats a friendship without trust? So that brings us almost up to date, she was like a ghost in the house when we got back, either spending all day in her room or disappearing out for days on end. But she still needed a new phone, one of the only girls left speaking to her in the house offered her her old phone for a reasonable price, which the girl accepted. Unfortuately the other girl didn't think to delete her old messages from the phone. So the girl was left with a second hand phone that had all the text conversations that her house mates had had about her on it. The messages dating back to Christmas when people were first discussing the need to get her out of the house. It must hurt reading messages where your "friends" are bitching about you, thinking that they're doing it is one thing, but knowing they're doing it is another. Which brings us to right here, tonight. And the subject of revenge, maybe not even revenge, maybe just pettiness. How far is she going to take these feelings of hurt, she's in a position to cause a lot of problems in the house. We all have exams coming up and she spent last night and all day today showing just how much she can disrupt ourselves in a series of increasingly petty acts. Everyone has doubled up rooms and locked their doors tonight, its stupid to be scared of someone right, someone who used to be your friend, a girl that you fully believe is all talk? Its just when you realise that you really didn't know someone you start to wonder just how wrong you got them, just how angry and hurt they are. For a lot of the last few months I've felt guilt, I've felt sorry for her, and often when certain songs have come on I've missed my friend. But I've realised now that there's no way back from this, we can't be friends anymore, nothing she can do could ever make up for the months of problems she's given us, and honestly I don't think she would even try. Which leads me to here, no longer pitying her, not even really angry, just stressed. Counting down the next three weeks, counting down the days til I leave for summer, the hours until I never have to see her again. She's wrecked so much about this semester, and now I just want it to end. So I'm stuck, unable to work, unable to sleep, a large part of me hoping she won't come home tonight, hoping that tomorrow she'll pack up her stuff and just go. The photos from last year show a happy group, who knew that things could change so drastically. I'm telling myself that this is a life experience, but its hard to believe when you're kept up at night wondering how much worse it can get.